


Cut it Out

by Nylazor



Series: The Adventures of Cal Amell [7]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Cutting, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-19 00:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15498552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nylazor/pseuds/Nylazor
Summary: Cal cuts too deep and can't heal it all the way so he asks Zevran to help him





	Cut it Out

Zevran’s hand tightened around the knife as he heard rustling outside his tent, he resisted the urge to jump up, it was probably Cal again, the young man seemed to love to be around him. 

“Zevran...” He sounded a touch panicked, interesting.

“What is it my warden?” Zevran stretched and pushed himself into a sitting position.

“You’re not afraid of blood... right?” Zevran alarmed hurried out of the tent.

Cal was holding a cloth to his arm, and the cloth was dyed red with blood.

“What happened?” He rushed forward and eased the bloody cloth away, the blood flowed with Cal’s heartbeat, he could see the pause between beats. His arm was split like a pomegranate, the cut went through skin and fat, but it hadn’t hit bone or muscle. He covered the wound and put pressure on it.

“Ow. Shhh, I don’t want to wake up anyone. I’m out of mana, can you do something until tomorrow? I'll heal it tomorrow but right now it really hurts and it’s bleeding a lot.” Cal looked up at Zevran with big sad eyes.

“I... yes of course, but what happened? Here, put pressure on it.” Zevran dived into his tent. 

“I... was cutting and I got carried away, I didn’t mean to cut that deep. It was deeper, but I healed it until it was like this.” Cal’s voice was so quiet he had to strain to hear him. “I cut to the bone, it takes a lot of mana to heal muscle so I ran out before I could close it.”

“You were... you were cutting yourself? On purpose? Why?” He led him to the fire and threw some logs on and fanned the fire to life. “You need stitches, I can do them, but shouldn’t we ask Wynn?”

“No! We can’t ask Wynn! She was my teacher at the circle, what would she think of me.” Cal huddled toward the fire, desperate for warmth, he must be cold from the lack of blood. “I... I cut for a lot of reasons... but tonight I just felt overwhelmed, the nightmares were too much I needed to get out of my head, so I cut until I felt better, but when I started healing, I realized I didn’t have enough mana and...”

Shaking his head Zevran handed him a healing potion and took out the needle and thread. “This is going to hurt a lot, my friend.”

Cal looked miserable. “I deserve it.”

He frowned. “No you don’t. You made a mistake.” 

Zevran set to work on Cal’s arm, at least the bleeding had stopped, Cal buried his face in his right elbow. He whimpered and flinched through it all, Zevran supposed Cal took it better then some Crow recruits. ”Done”

Cal let out a big breath and glanced up at him, before tackling him into an embrace. “Thank you. I have something for you.” Cal stumbled to his feet and made his way to his tent.  
Thinking to save him the journey Zevran followed him. He entered Cal’s tent and Cal was digging through his bag with his right arm, his left arm bandaged and hugged close to his chest. “Here” Cal placed a parchment and something spherical on his lap. Zevran picked up the orb and felt it, before putting it to his face. Was it... It couldn’t be.

“It’s an orange right? That’s what the merchant said, he said they have them in Antiva.”

Zevran dug his fingers into the flesh of the fruit only to get spritzed in the face by the juice. “That's an orange, alright, I am impressed my friend.”

“That's good.” Cal sounded relieved. “Now that.”

Zevran held up parchment to the dim light, it was a map of Antiva. “Impressive.” He edged.

“I thought you could, y’know, show me around. Show me where you're from, I'm from Kirkwall, but I don't remember a lot of it. I’d love to go to Antiva someday.” Cal pulled at the bandages. “With you.”

Zevran let out a big sigh. “I don't know if that will ever happen my friend, the Crows are not easily shirked, I doubt I can ever return to Antiva.” He began to peel the orange.

“That's so sad.” Cal set his big green eyes on him.

“I suppose, what about you, thoughts about going back to Kirkwall?” He pulled apart the orange and offered half to Cal.

“To be honest I don't think I'll live that long, but even if I did, Kirkwall may be where I'm from but it was never my home. My mother was… nevermind. The circle was my home, but now it’s… it's ruined. Most of the people I knew are dead and all those poor templars, like Cullen, oh, poor Cullen.” Zevran watched as Cal bit into the orange like an apple. “Mmm! It's good.”

“Poor templars that kept you like dogs?” He pulled the orange apart at its seams and popped a slice in his mouth. 

“They were just doing their jobs! It's the makers fault. If he didn't curse us with magic they wouldn't have to keep an eye on us.”

Zevran shook his head in disbelief. “How many cuts in your arm?”

“I don't know, five or six? Why?”

“You healed all that! You healed five giant gashes before you ran out of mana. You heal me, you heal Alistair, Barkspawn, everyone. You think that's a curse?” Zevran popped another slice in his mouth.

“You were with me in the circle, you've seen what we can become, what we can do. It's a curse. I just do the best with what I can. One of these days I'll do the world a favour and get rid of one more mage.”

“And who would end the blight?” He leaned forward and cocked his head. “Who would take care of Barkspawn? Who would protect me from that nasty Alistair?”

Cal took a deep breath and puffed out his cheeks. “I meant after the blight. And Alistair can take care of Barkspawn. And… after the blight, you can do whatever you want, you won't need me.”

Zevran shook his head. “Don't say things like that. You're amazing, and talented, you're kind, and compassionate, you're beautiful and funny. You're so much more than you're magic, surely you can see that.”

Cal had finished the orange and was wiping his hands and face on his robe, refusing to look at him.

“You don't see what I see, do you?” Zevran was baffled. “You're so special and important, you can't just kill yourself. I kill people for a living and even I can see killing you would be a waste, you have so much potential.” Cal was holding himself, he could see he wasn't getting through. “What about me?”

“What about you?” Cal glanced up.

“I mean, I told you I fancied you, and you seem to like me… what is this between us? You're going to throw it away?” Zevran had never intended to get this involved, but the one person who could stop the blight was contemplating suicide, what was a little lie between friends?

“I… I do like you! But… I just feel so awful all the time, I just feel miserable, I want this.” Cal reached out and ran a hand down Zevran's face. “I just don't know if I can do this. The blight and the politics. All I did was study, sleep and eat in the circle. It was simple. Now I'm 'commander’ of the wardens in Ferelden, I have to make all these decisions and, and, and…” Cal covered his face with his hands. 

Zevran could hear him hold his breath between smooth breathing, was he trying not to cry? “What if I were to help you?” 

“W-what? How could you do that?” Cal moved his hands and rubbed at his nose, his face was covered in tears, Zevran wondered how he learned to cry so quietly.

“I can't make decisions for you, but you can talk to me, I'll talk it through with you, help you think of the options. You're not alone, there's Alistair, Liliana, Wynn, even Morrigan. We're all here to help you end the blight, you're not alone.” 

Cal rubbed his eyes. “Yeah… ok… I can do that.”

“And this!” Zevran grabbed Cal’s arm and he flinched. “You can't go using all you magic like that, it's dangerous, even if you're more careful and measure it properly, you're still using precious mana on something stupid.” Cal winced. “what if darkspawn or bandits attack? What if Alistair trips going to the bathroom and breaks his arm?”

“I… it's too much I can't think, can't do anything, I need a release.” Cal wretched his arm back and his face scrunched up.

“What if, when you feel like cutting, you come to me, and I'll distract you.” He put his hand on Cal’s thigh. “I can think of a few possibilities.”

“I… don't want to bother you.” Cal picked up Zevran's hand and gave it back to him.

“I promise I would rather be 'bothered’ than you wasting all your mana hurting yourself.” Cal shook his head. “You spared my life I owe you, it's no trouble.”

“Ok. Fine.” Cal chewed at his fingernails.

“Come on, let's sleep.” 

Cal flicked off his boots and curled up in the furs. Zevran stood up to go back to his tent, when Cal shot up.

“Will you stay?” 

Zevran paused. He hadn't slept next to someone in a long time, he doubt he could, even with Cal. “I will try.” He shrugged.

Zevran lied down next to him and immediately Cal shimmied up to him so their legs were entwined. Zevran tried not to sigh, it would be hard to get up without waking him. To his surprise Cal reached up and kissed him on the cheek.

“Thanks Zevran.”

“Anytime my warden.”

“Call me Cal.” he said sleepily.

“Very well, Cal, good night.”


End file.
